Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
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