i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
