god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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