doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My breasts were aching with rage.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Randomize
