u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
