batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
