Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
