she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
