Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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