The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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