Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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