you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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