everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
