Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
