wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
