May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
It's blow job season.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
