I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
