I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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