they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
