new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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