alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
