Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
