I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
