I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
