Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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