i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
