All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
