My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
