How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
