guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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