I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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