Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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