Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
