I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
