Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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