Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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