Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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