Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
