I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
