I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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