So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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