I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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