Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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