my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
