I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
