he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
