i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
