I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
