the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
