he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
